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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27607147">Listen to the voices</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anouk_Tyrell/pseuds/Valkrist'>Valkrist (Anouk_Tyrell)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Peaky Blinders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Sex, Foot Jobs, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, i think</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:53:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,248</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27607147</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anouk_Tyrell/pseuds/Valkrist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Tommy wondered what was worse: To live with the consequences or to die.</p><p>He had thought that there wasn’t much time to die in this war, actually, maybe even no time to die, after all. They should just end it, not let people suffer the whole time, but apparently he was asking for too much, apparently the others thought something else. As if it wasn’t hard enough to keep living already, doing the good things they needed to do, fighting and winning.</p><p>But Tommy hadn’t seen it coming, some lives being erased within seconds.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Grace Burgess/Tommy Shelby (background), Tommy Shelby/Barney Thompson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Listen to the voices</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/flysafepapi/gifts">flysafepapi</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thanks for keeping my T/B ideas alive &lt;3</p><p> </p><p>Hello my friends!</p><p>Another T/B fic, actually a prompted one that wouldn't exist without flysafepapi. "Ooh, do a thing where Barney dies in the war, but Tommy refuses to accept it and still sees him everywhere, even though people tell him that Barney's gone."</p><p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes Tommy wondered what was worse: To live with the consequences or to die.</p><p> </p><p>He had thought that there wasn’t much time to die in this war, actually, maybe even no time to die, after all. They should just end it, not let people suffer the whole time, but apparently he was asking for too much, apparently the others thought something else. As if it wasn’t hard enough to keep living already, doing the good things they needed to do, fighting and winning.</p><p>But Tommy hadn’t seen it coming, some lives being erased within seconds. Barney was a sniper, how could it be that he suddenly wasn’t there anymore? Had he himself really seen this shot or just heard others talking about it? How could they even know that he hadn’t survived? Barney was strong, they all knew it, but why didn’t they trust him then?</p><p>Tommy didn’t have time to be mad at them back then, no time to take care of Barney and help him, but he knew that he would do it immediately when getting the chance. Would nurse him back to health together with the others, seeing this smile again and hearing him laugh. One day it would be alright again, one day they could come back to the lives they had had before, at least a little bit.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Tommy didn’t care what they said. <em>Barney’s gone</em>, such bullshit. They didn’t know the truth, didn’t know that he’d never be gone. Barney wouldn’t dare leaving him broken, always staying by his side, giving him advice when he needed it. Tommy could see him, but apparently it didn’t matter to the people because they couldn’t see him the way he could. They never had, not even back then, just regarding him as a good sniper, a nice person to talk to, but nothing more.</p><p>He stood at the bar when Tommy entered the Garrison, his lips curling into one of those beautiful smiles that no other person could make, they ones that made Tommy’s lips curl into one of them, too. Winked at Tommy, raising his glass, whispering something Tommy couldn’t hear. Maybe a toast again, he could imagine that, but he didn’t have time to talk to him, unfortunately, was here because of other reasons.</p><p>What a shame, actually, that he never was there when Tommy finally had time. Surely looked pathetic, nobody around, just Tommy sitting behind the bar at night, a bottle of champagne in his hand, waiting for Barney’s company. Maybe he should just leave him a note and let him know, or did he already know that Tommy spent so much time here, just wanting him to be there, too? Yes, he had to know, and one night, when he finally had time, Barney would sit there next to him, an arm wrapped around his waist.</p><p> </p><p>But for now Tommy would simply enjoy being in the same room, somehow shy glances as he eyed him.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The Cheltenham Races were something beautiful. Even if Tommy wasn’t there just for the aesthetics, he liked the music and all this people dressed as nice as possible, ladies with their hats and men with their suits. Too many things to do, though, with Grace on his arm. She would surely help him with Kimber, beautiful enough to lull him, especially with this red dress she looked so lovely in.</p><p>But he hadn’t thought that Barney would be there, too. It nearly made him gasp, this sudden realization, and it was hard to not let the others know. Tommy didn’t need more questions, only wanting this day to end. Money and legal betting pitches, Arthur taking care of the Lees, it would be enough, he wasn’t here for anything else. But of course Barney had to interfere, in a way, and the worst things was that Tommy couldn’t even be mad at him for that.</p><p>Tommy would’ve loved to ask him what he was doing, actually, why he suddenly appeared there, but maybe it didn’t matter as long Kimber didn’t use Barney against him. Didn’t need another problem nor did he need a hurt Barney, would be too much for his heart, after all. Barney deserved so much more, loving company as he stood there with a glass in his hand. He wore a gorgeous suit, one Tommy had never seen on him before, fitting into the crowd perfectly. Probably even looked so much better than Tommy himself, making him wonder why he didn’t have someone by his side. There was no way they could ignore someone who was as nice as him, was there?</p><p>They could’ve danced together if Grace weren’t there, but maybe it was better that way. The people didn’t need to know, even if it hurt to leave Barney alone. Would he be angry because Tommy ignored him so cruelly, did he maybe come there just for him? Questions and more questions in his head, answers not making him feel quite better. But maybe he would have time to come back to him later, maybe he would.</p><p>“Whom are you looking for?“ He should be looking after Kimber, slowly approaching him. He should be discussing business with him, not having to lie to Grace. She deserved so much more, too, having this courage and surely already drawing Kimber’s attention. Would definitely help him with the deal, Kimber wouldn’t be able to resist. Such a primitive man, didn’t even deserve such a beauty.</p><p><em>Do you really wanna do this? </em>Even if Barney was still far away, he could still hear his voice somewhere in his head, as if he was whispering the words into his ear. <em>This guy can do everything to her, do you want this? </em>No, he didn’t, and he didn’t need this voice of reason in his head, but it was Barney, and Barney was right more often than Tommy wanted him to be.</p><p> </p><p>Grace didn’t need to know about it all, she didn’t.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>There was only one plate on the table as Tommy entered the room, no second one.</p><p>“Only one?“ Mary had forgotten about Barney, hadn’t she? Couldn’t blame her for that, of course, sometimes she just seemed to get older and more forgetful faster than he had expected her to, but wasn’t it heartbreaking? She should’ve known that Barney had been sitting there next to him the whole night and was welcome at the table, definitely needing a good breakfast to brace himself.</p><p>“She already left.“ <em>She? </em>Oh, yes, Tatiana had been there that night, too. A crazy night he wouldn’t have survived without Barney, that much was certain. This lady wasn’t sane anymore, was she? Could risk her life without being afraid, adoring the adrenaline, looking for something that would keep her alive.</p><p>“But where is he?“ - “Who?“</p><p>“Barney.“ It took him some seconds to realize that he should’ve probably cared about Tatiana, trying to find out where she was now and what she had done, but Barney not being there worried him way more - and seeing that they all seemed to forget that was even worse. Was he angry because Tommy hadn’t chased her out of his house? Tommy could only hope that he would come back like he had every time, forgiving him for the things he had to do.</p><p>Mary looked at him with a trace of pity on her face, and this would’ve killed anyone else. <em>It's not</em><em> a </em><em>good idea</em><em> to </em><em>look</em><em> at </em><em>Tommy Shelby</em><em> the </em><em>wrong way. </em>“Not here, sir.“ She frowned, as if he was asking a weird question, as if his thoughts didn’t make any sense. “Maybe you should listen to the doctor, talk to him again.“</p><p>Maybe he should’ve fired her for that, eh? For implying that he was insane, that he needed help. But she meant well for him, so maybe he would simply accept it, doing what he needed to do and only going to the doctor when it was necessary. Would live with it and take some of the food to his study, hoping that Barney would come back and not be mad at him once again.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You want her tonight?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He should’ve known that Tatiana was a liar, that all her techniques wouldn’t help. That there was nothing good about letting her come that close, breaking him till he closed his eyes and saw things, as she had promised.</p><p>It was pretty dark when Tommy entered the room, but he could still see something, the candles and moon lighting the room. But it wasn’t Grace whom he saw. Barney was standing at the window, a coat wrapped around his shoulders, nothing more. Tommy smiled as Barney turned around, responding to Tommy’s footsteps, sound of naked feed loud enough on the cool floor. “There you are, sweetheart.“</p><p> </p><p>It was Barney pressing his lips to Tommy’s. Soft and gentle, exactly the way he had always done it. God, Tommy had missed this so much.</p><p>It was Barney pushing him towards the bed, onto the mattress, straddling his lap. In the beginning Tommy hadn’t been able to believe it, this sudden kind of dominance, but could he complain? No, not when Barney was so determined yet sweet, giving Tommy all this feelings.</p><p>It were Barney’s hands on his chest, keeping him where he belonged as Barney leaned closer to kiss him again. It was like a night Tommy had dreamed of deep inside. A night to have Barney close. A night to make love to each other, sweeter than ever before.</p><p> </p><p>It felt too good to be true, <em>Barney </em>felt too good to be true. It was a shame how often they had to deny each other this pleasure, but when they finally found the time it was overwhelming. Made Tommy relax more than anything else, all this movements of hips, thrusts, cute sighs and loving eyes. Maybe it wasn’t what Tatiana had promised, maybe it would be heartbreaking when it ended, but it was so much more than she had said, so much more intense, so much better.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Barney sat down on a chair, facing Tommy as the latter studied the papers on his work desk.</p><p> </p><p>He could be distracting if he wanted only to, couldn’t he? Didn’t need to do more than just be there, next to Tommy, giving him this wish to pull him close and cuddle, no boring work between them. But life wasn’t that easy, never would be. Tommy had things to do, no matter whether he liked it or not, and it would have serious consequences if he let Barney distract him that easily.</p><p>He gasped as he felt Barney’s feet on his thighs, sly smile on Barney’s lips as one of them slowly moved to Tommy’s crotch. Tommy didn’t know if he should stop him, toes only brushing him yet making him feel way too nice. He couldn’t work that way, but maybe he could allow himself to take a little break, to give in?</p><p>“Barney…“ - “C’mon, you like it, don’t you?“</p><p>He was right, he was. Of course Tommy liked this little things, everything that Barney was willing to give him, a beautiful mixture of naughty and sweet things, touches and words. Knew how to make Tommy feel good, knew how to nurse him back to health better than anyone else. Maybe he was a magician, people just didn’t know it, and he would always keep healing Tommy.</p><p>“You need to relax. You look so beautiful when you do it, you know? So peaceful.“ Tommy just wanted to let his hands wander through Barney’s hair, giving him another kiss and feeling his warmth. Way too beautiful, somehow divine, more than he had ever dreamed of. Could need a rest, head on Barney’s shoulder to feel stronger again, being able to go on.</p><p>And as Barney sank down on his knees in front of Tommy, Tommy couldn’t resist anymore. He didn’t dare looking to close, only seeing this eyes full of trust and hearing Barney smack his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Tom.“</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The fire crackled, making the cold go away. Still so many things to do, only nights to think of something else. Polly would’ve said that he was coming back to his roots if he asked her, but Barney didn’t do this. Just laughed, keeping him company as they rode to darker places and lit a fire.</p><p>Barney rubbed Tommy’s back, skillful movements making Tommy relax slowly. Could feel it even through the thick fabric of his coat, not wanting to get a cold by sitting there in nothing more than a shirt. Not that he himself minded that much, but Barney insisted on it, promising that he could repeat it again when they were back home. <em>Back home</em>, it really felt like home now, didn’t it? Hadn’t been that way for a long time, and maybe this fact made it even better.</p><p>Sometimes it felt kinda weird, having both Grace and Barney there, talking to him. <em>You have to listen to the voices that you hear, do what they tell you to do. </em>Too many voices, everything to confusing, but he could lean on them, couldn’t he? Just enjoying the warmth of embraces, feeling safe again, safe and beloved. Could look at it all, not even knowing what to think when Grace was giving him advice while Barney decided to pet his horse, looking so happy and confident as if he had done it his whole life. What a lovely sight.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes Tommy just wished that Barney would press him against the door as he came back home, making him feel even more alive. It might be so beautiful, just feeling his strength, their lips locked the whole time as they made their way through the rooms, leaving a trail of clothes. Barney would surely try to take it slow first, but Tommy wouldn’t even need three minutes to change that.</p><p>They both would know what to do, as always, everything so natural. <em>You know, I’ll help you whenever you need me. You can see so much more than them, it’s a gift.</em></p><p>Tommy could feel Barney’s lips on his neck only by thinking of it, hands on his shoulders and sides, lovely whispers. <em>I love you. Don’t give up. You are amazing. </em>Such a relief, so much easier than so many other things, so honest. All the words were something honest, no words chosen just to please Tommy, this was the real comfort.</p><p>Sometimes there was nothing more than bleakness surrounding Tommy, but when he held Barney it was the warmth of his skin, of his whole soul, that made everything better once again. Made everything fall back into place till he stopped shaking, his head on Barney’s shoulder as he listened to him, bad thoughts not finding their way through his head anymore, only warmth, comfort and love.</p><p>It was a warmth he couldn’t compare to anything else, a warmth that seemed to be so much more important than the rest. It was a warmth that meant so much more to him than a fear that others might hear them. It was a warmth that made him ignore Polly’s glances and words that were simply screaming sometimes. <em>Only a ghost, only hallucinations, this man doesn’t exist the way you think anymore</em>. She was a smart women, but this time … bullshit.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t wanna say goodbye.“</p><p> </p><p>It was hard for Tommy not to cry. How should it not be, eh? <em>It’s for the best</em>, Barney had said, <em>it’s for the best</em>. He had to be right, he always was, but how could <em>this</em> be right? They belonged to each other, beautifully comforting, knowing what the other one was thinking about the whole time. They both needed it, didn’t they? So why did Barney say that it was for the best, how could he?</p><p>Barney was still holding Tommy’s hands, forehead against forehead, slow breaths. Didn’t say anything about Tommy’s fingers dug into his shirt, just held him, was his anchor. Wouldn’t have cared if tears would soak his shirt, just calming Tommy and looking like an angel. No matter what he had done, he was an angel, he had always been. Tommy could remember all this moments, the wise words, all the bad things during war being nothing compared to Barney’s kindness.</p><p>“Neither do I.“ Barney kissed every tear away, pulling Tommy even closer. “But we both know that it’s necessary, don’t we?“ His lips brushed Tommy’s temple, the small gesture making something inside of Tommy melt and break at the same time. He didn’t need such a goodbye, especially not now. How could Barney do this to him, after all this time, all this years of loosing and finding each other again?</p><p>Or maybe it was his own fault? Had he said something wrong that had hurt him, should he have done something else? Tommy could remember too many moments, too many actions he could regret. Maybe he hadn’t given Barney enough attention, put business before feelings. Apparently it couldn’t work the whole time, was too dangerous. Hadn’t he learned this lesson through Grace already?</p><p>And suddenly the realization hit him hard. “Are you leaving because they don’t believe in you?“ It made so much more sense than anything else, this thought. Why hadn’t he thought about it earlier? This kind of ignorance could hurt even worse than simply not having enough time for each other, even such a patient man like Barney couldn’t endure it for so many years, he couldn’t ask him for that. “Shit, they’re wrong, so wrong.“</p><p>Would it help if he told him that at least <em>he</em> believed in him, that <em>he </em>knew that he was real and there, that<em> he</em> would never dare ignoring him? Could this be convincing and reassuring enough after how attached they had grown to each other, after this fondness? Maybe he couldn’t wipe the slate clean, but at least make up for it by nuzzling Barney’s neck before giving him a kiss?</p><p>“We’ll see each other again one day, I swear.“ Barney let it all happen, sweet sigh escaping his lips as he got caressed so tenderly. “But till then we gotta keep going our own paths, yeah?“ Didn’t it break his heart, too? Couldn’t be any other way, not after he was so good to Tommy. “I’m not the one I was some years ago anymore and neither are you. If it wasn’t a problem all this time, why should it change within this next years?“</p><p>Even if Tommy held back his tears, he could still feel some of them collect in the corners of his eyes. “Maybe you won’t believe me now, but hopefully later. I just want you to burgeon even more, become the man you truly are and do good things for yourself and the people who depend on you.“ It was such a Barney thing to say, and maybe that was what made Tommy chuckle and cry at the same time, Barney just holding and comforting him.</p><p>It didn’t mean that Tommy believed him, but he was willing to try. There had to be a grain of truth to it, something that would help him go on, sweet memories that told him not to give up till he could be even prouder of himself, till <em>Barney</em> could be ever prouder of him. One day they would see each other again, finding back to themselves the way they always had, but even wiser and happier.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t give up, love.“</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Do you prefer a happy modern T/B au or stuff that fits into the canon but is surely rather sad?</p><p>Tumblr: @valkrist</p></blockquote></div></div>
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